Enough of Not Being Enough
Enough of Not Being Enough
“You can’t hate yourself into someone you love.” Lori Deschene
Not smart enough. Not pretty enough. Not strong enough. Not successful enough. Not loving enough. Not disciplined enough. Not brave enough.
If you are caught in the “not enough” trap, nothing you accomplish ever seems quite good enough. You reach a goal, but your mind immediately moves the finish line. You make a mistake, and somehow the mistake becomes evidence that you are a failure.
Perfection becomes a moving target. Always visible, never attainable.
But there is something important we understand today that we did not understand as clearly years ago: the brain is not fixed.
I’m not a neurosurgeon. But Dr. W. Lee Warren is, and he’s helped me think about this differently. He calls it “self-brain surgery,” the idea that what we pay attention to, think about, and practice is quietly shaping our brains over time. The science underneath is neuroplasticity, the brain’s willingness to change based on what we keep asking it to do.
That matters when we repeatedly tell ourselves, “I’m not enough.”
The brain can become practiced at looking for evidence that confirms an old belief. We notice the two things we did wrong and overlook the ninety-eight things we did well.
We compare ourselves with someone else’s strengths and our own weaknesses. Eventually, “not enough” can become less like an occasional thought and more like an automatic pathway.
But automatic does not mean permanent.
You Can Begin to Change the Pattern
The next time you hear that familiar voice saying, “I’m not enough,” pause and become curious:
- Enough according to whom?
- What standard am I using?
- Would I speak this way to someone I love?
- What if progress, not perfection, were the measure?
Notice what happens in your body as you ask. The “not enough” voice is not just mental. It often lives in a tightness in the chest, a sinking in the stomach, a pulling in the shoulders. The body carries the belief too. Simply pausing to notice can be the beginning of the pattern softening.
How EMDR Works With an Old Belief
This is where I see a beautiful connection with EMDR therapy.
In EMDR, we do not simply tell ourselves to “think positively.” We access the experiences, emotions, body sensations, and beliefs that became linked to an old conclusion. Perhaps “I’m inadequate,” “I’m unlovable,” or “I’m not safe.” Through dual attention and bilateral stimulation, the brain is given an opportunity to process and integrate what happened differently. Current research is exploring mechanisms including working memory and memory reconsolidation, the brain’s ability to update previously learned emotional responses when old memories are reactivated in a new context.
In other words, therapy can help change not only what you think about yourself, but the deeply learned patterns through which your brain and nervous system respond.
You do not have to become perfect to become whole.
You are a work in progress, and your brain is too.
Maybe the question isn’t, “How can I finally become enough?” Maybe it’s, “What if I’m already enough, and now I get to grow?”
Further Thoughts
The “not enough” voice is one of the most common patterns we see in clients. Insight alone, as helpful as it is, often is not sufficient to shift it. When “not enough” is rooted in early experiences, developmental trauma, or long-held attachment patterns, the belief lives below the level of conscious thought. You can know, intellectually, that you are enough. The body and the nervous system may still be running an older story.
At Simmeth Counseling Group we have seen the impact that EMDR, Havening, and Accelerated Resolution Therapy can have in unsticking these deep patterns. We offer both weekly therapy and EMDR Intensives, which allow for longer, focused sessions on a specific issue over a defined period. For clients who want their faith to be part of the work, we also offer Christian EMDR therapy.
If you’d like to talk with our team about how we can support your healing, we’d love to talk. Call our office at (818) 681-6627 or visit our contact page to schedule a consultation. We offer both in-person and online sessions.
